Finding Love That Lasts: Science, Soulmates & Some Real Talk

Let’s be honest—finding lasting love feels a little like trying to keep a succulent alive. It looks easy. It should be easy. But somehow, people keep ghosting, growing apart, or realizing three months in that they actually hate brunch.

So, what is the secret to a love that goes the distance? As it turns out, lasting love isn’t just about chemistry—it’s about commitment, compatibility, and a whole lot of communication. And yes, science has receipts.

1. Love Is a Verb, Not a Vibe

Psychologist Robert Sternberg proposed the Triangular Theory of Love, which says love has three key components: intimacy, passion, and commitment (Sternberg, 1986). Long-term love tends to thrive when all three are present—not just butterflies and steamy texts.

Intimacy = emotional closeness

Passion = physical and romantic attraction

Commitment = the choice to stick it out, even when your partner eats the last fry

Relationships based on all three are called “consummate love”—a.k.a. the good stuff.

2. It’s Not About Finding the Perfect Person…

...It’s about finding someone whose weird matches your weird. According to research on attachment theory (Hazan & Shaver, 1987), people with secure attachment styles—those who are comfortable with closeness and autonomy—tend to have more satisfying, stable relationships.

Translation: If your relationships keep crashing like bad Wi-Fi, it might be time to check your own emotional software.

3. Fight Smarter, Not Harder

All couples argue—it’s how you argue that matters. Dr. John Gottman found that couples who stay together know how to manage conflict without letting it destroy the relationship (Gottman & Levenson, 1992). That means avoiding the Four Horsemen of Relationship Doom: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.

Pro tip: Rolling your eyes mid-argument is basically a kiss of death. Save the sass for your group chat.

4. Put In the Effort (Yes, Even After 5 Years)

A long-lasting relationship requires ongoing effort. Think check-ins, love languages, and shared playlists that evolve past your "early talking" phase.

Investing in each other regularly—date nights, meaningful convos, mutual goals—keeps the spark alive and the connection strong (Aron et al., 2000).

Final Thoughts: Forever Takes Work (But It’s Worth It)

Finding love that lasts isn’t about fate or magic. It’s about intention. It’s about doing the emotional work, choosing the right person, and being willing to grow—together.

So next time you’re wondering if it’s real, ask yourself: Do we talk? Do we respect each other? Do we laugh at the same dumb memes? That might just be your forever person.

References

Aron, A., Norman, C. C., Aron, E. N., McKenna, C., & Heyman, R. E. (2000). Couples’ shared participation in novel and arousing activities and experienced relationship quality. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 78(2), 273–284. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.78.2.273

Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (1992). Marital processes predictive of later dissolution: Behavior, physiology, and health. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 63(2), 221–233.

Hazan, C., & Shaver, P. (1987). Romantic love conceptualized as an attachment process. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 52(3), 511–524.

Sternberg, R. J. (1986). A triangular theory of love. Psychological Review, 93(2), 119–135.