Red Flags vs. Quirks: How to Spot the Difference Before It’s Too Late

We’ve all been there sitting across from someone on a date, trying to decide if their habit of talking to their plants is endearing or if it’s the first sign they’ll name your future kids after their succulents.

Some quirks are harmless. Others are a red flag with a flare gun strapped to it. Knowing the difference can save you months (or years) of emotional headaches.

What’s a Quirk?

A quirk is a unique, slightly odd habit that makes someone them. It’s usually harmless and doesn’t hurt you or the relationship. Think of it as their brand of weird, the kind you can either embrace or politely ignore.

Examples of quirks:

·       They wear mismatched socks on purpose.

·       They sing in the car… badly.

·       They have a lucky mug and get cranky when it’s in the dishwasher.

These are personality sprinkles, not warning signs.

What’s a Red Flag?

A red flag is a behavior that signals deeper issues. Things that will eventually hurt your mental health, emotional well-being, or safety if ignored. Red flags aren’t just “weird,” they’re toxic, controlling, disrespectful, or manipulative.

Examples of red flags:

·       They belittle you in front of others and call it “just joking.”

·       They regularly “forget” boundaries you’ve set.

·       They get angry when you spend time with friends or family.

If a quirk makes you smile, a red flag makes your gut twist. Listen to that twist.

How to Tell the Difference

1.     Impact over Intent

•   A quirk might be odd, but it doesn’t harm you.

•   A red flag causes discomfort, stress, or harm, even if they claim “that’s just how I am.”

2.     Frequency & Escalation

•    Quirks stay the same over time.

•    Red flags tend to grow bigger and messier the longer you stick around.

3.     Respect for Boundaries

•    With a quirk, if you ask them to tone it down, they try.

•    With a red flag, they ignore or mock your request.

The Danger of Mislabeling

Too many people write off controlling or disrespectful behavior as “just their thing” because everything else seems great. But here’s the truth: ignoring red flags because you like someone is like ignoring smoke because you like the curtains, you’re still gonna end up in flames.

The Bottom Line

It’s fine and even healthy to love someone’s quirks. But love doesn’t mean tolerating red flags. If something feels wrong, it probably is. Quirks make the relationship colorful. Red flags? They’re the warning signs that the ride might not be safe.