Stop Settling: You Deserve More (Science Says So)!

Don't Let This Be You!

Hey—let’s cut the crap. If you find yourself texting someone who makes you pace like an airport baggage carousel, there’s a problem. You’re settling. And that’s not love—it’s negotiation in disguise.

Why Settling Is the Worst

Relationship-Contingent Self-Esteem (RCSE) means your value tanks if your partner doesn’t text back or treats you like an optional add-on. Research shows RCSE thrives on anxiety, obsessive checking, and emotional whiplash—not exactly healthy relationship staples. It’s linked to negative behavior like constant reassurance-seeking and emotional spirals.

Even standard “low” self-esteem makes you vulnerable. The best large-scale studies show that self-esteem and relationship quality feed each other over time in a positive feedback loop: when your self-worth is shaky, your relationships suffer—and vice versa.

The Point Is: Anchoring your happiness on someone else texting back—or not—is a recipe for repeated disappointment.

What Loving Yourself Actually Looks Like

Self-esteem isn’t vanity—it’s a survival skill. People with solid self-esteem show better mental health, resilience, social skills, and relationship quality.

But here’s the kicker: the best relationships don’t just feel good—they help you grow.

Grow Together or Go Separate Ways

Welcome to the Self-Expansion Model, by Arthur and Elaine Aron. It argues that sustainable love happens when partners help each other learn, explore, and become bigger versions of themselves. Couples that try new things together—like classes, travel, adventures—report more passion, satisfaction, and less temptation to cheat.

One recent dyadic study even showed that believing your relationship could be self-expanding predicts daily satisfaction and longer-term commitment—even before the first climbs or cooking-class fiasco.

Why You Shouldn’t Settle—and How to Stop

1. Know your worth—and don’t let someone else define it.If your whole mood depends on their responsiveness, you’re on RCSE autopilot. That’s unstable terrain.

2. Seek growth, not stagnation.Your partner should be someone who broadens your world, not shrinks it to a text chain. If they're not adding value or pushing neither of you to grow—keep going.

3. Be picky, not desperate.A clear self-concept makes you selective. People with clearer identities evaluate potential partners more rigorously and don’t settle for meh matches.

4. Boundaries matter.If someone can ghost you for days but still catch flights to enjoy life elsewhere—newsflash—they’re choosing not to text you. If they cared, they would.

When Settling Looks Comical

Remember the infamous Kiss Cam that showcased a tech CEO and his HR Director mistress cozying up at a Coldplay concert? They were married—to other people.

And the Kicker: This guy has managed to raise three kids, have a wife, run a company, and still made time to schedule a Coldplay concert date with his mistress. So don’t you think for one second he doesn’t have the bandwidth to text you when he chooses not to. If he wanted to—he would. He’s not moonlighting as a rock star scheduler; he's making a scene and you're not the VIP.

That level of multitasking scandalously tells you everything: He prioritized a stealthy last‑minute date over basic decency. So stop psychoanalyzing why he didn’t respond. If he gave a shit? You’d have a reply. End of Story.

And Yes, Your Person Is Out There

Maybe they’re stuck in their own fear loops or haven’t built their own self-worth yet. That’s fine. What’s important is: don’t be the fallback. Don’t be the emotional insurance policy someone occasionally cashes in on.

Researchers show that people with healthy self-esteem and growth orientation carry forward into better relationship outcomes. Sure, breakups hurt more when self-esteem is low—but people with secure self-esteem bounce back faster and stronger.

That Means: Invest in yourself, your interests, your growth. Trust that the right person will match you with mutual respect, curiosity, and support—not dependence or drama.

Final Pep Talk

Here’s the Bottom Line: YOU ARE worth someone who builds with you—not someone whose mood swings define your day. You deserve someone who expands your life, not someone who limits it. Someone who texts back because they want to, not because they have to. And yes—they’re out there. Meeting them is often about waiting, growing yourself, and not lowering the bar.

So, swipe left on anyone who’s treating you like an option. Keep investing in your self-esteem, your passions, and your growth. Don’t settle. Your person—someone who sees the real you and celebrates you—is somewhere out there.

Receipts:

Orth & Harris (2021): Meta‑analysis on self-esteem and relationship quality 

Knee et al. (2007): RCSE leads to emotional instability and reduced satisfaction in romantic relationships 

Mattingly, McIntyre & Knee (2018); Aron et al. (1995): Self-expansion theory shows growth in relationships boosts desire, satisfaction, and lowers infidelity risk 

Interdependence studies: Both partners’ self-esteem predicts relationship quality better than either alone.